An otrovert can be sociable and enjoy close relationships, but has less need to belong to groups or identify themself through communities, organisations or shared beliefs. Unlike introversion or extroversion, which describe how we tend to engage socially, otroversion is more about our relationship with belonging.
Are you an otrovert? An otrovert is someone who feels like an outsider in groups even when welcomed and accepted by others. It’s a term devised by psychiatrist Dr Rami Kaminski in his book The Gift of Not Belonging to describe those who don’t have the communal impulse. The concept has since attracted considerable media attention, including here in Australia. The majority of people satisfy their need for belonging by getting together in groups with others. But if you’re someone who prefers one-to-one relationships or time by yourself, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. There’s every possibility you are an otrovert.
Otroverts can be sociable and enjoy close relationships, but they have less need to belong to groups or identify themselves through communities, organisations or shared beliefs. Unlike introversion or extroversion, which describe how we tend to engage socially, otroversion is more about our relationship with belonging. You can enjoy being with people while still feeling most comfortable standing apart from the crowd.
Most importantly, otroversion is not a disorder, a form of neurodiversity or a health condition. It’s more accurately described as a personality style or trait. It’s still an emerging concept and has not yet been established as a recognised personality construct through psychological research. But Kaminski argues that each of us is born an otrovert and that joining is a kind of protective defence people learn to deal with the futility of life.
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Otroverts belong primarily to themselves. It’s not like they have been thrown out: they never felt they belonged to groups in the first place. In a world of joiners, otroverts might be judged as ‘weird’ or ‘wrong’ or as having some kind of pathology. If you have ever felt this way and resonate with some of the description above, read on to find out how to identify whether you are an otrovert.
How Do I Know If I Am an Otrovert?
If otroversion is a new idea for you, you might be wondering how to identify whether you are an otrovert. Dr Kaminski provides a helpful questionnaire at the back of his book, but here are some characteristics that are common for otroverts.
- You often feel like an outsider, even when other people include and accept you.
You may be perfectly capable of socialising and connecting with others, but in groups you often experience yourself more as an observer than a participant. This sense of not quite belonging is probably the defining characteristic of otroversion.
- You prefer relationships with individuals over belonging to groups and you don’t particularly enjoy large social gatherings or group celebrations.
It’s possible to enjoy deep, meaningful one-to-one relationships and be friendly, sociable and outgoing, while preferring not to become part of a social group. If you prefer spending time with just one or two people, then parties, organised group activities and celebrations are probably not appealing to you. You might not want to bring different friends from different parts of your life together, even if they know each other. It’s not shyness or being unsociable; it’s just who you are.
- You are comfortable spending time alone and tend to be self-reliant. And you prefer to work independently rather than as part of a team.
You don’t need company, advice or approval to feel secure. You enjoy being your own boss, dislike meetings and collaborative decision-making, and prefer having responsibility for your own work rather than continually coordinating it with a group. Kaminski specifically describes otroverts as tending not to work well in groups. If you haven’t yet accepted this aspect of yourself, however, you might criticise yourself for not joining in or wonder whether there is something wrong with your preference for independence. But otroverts tend to be specialists rather than generalists. Your interests and abilities might be considered narrow, but they run deep.
- You tend not to be a ‘joiner’ and don’t need to identify yourself through groups or institutions.
Otroverts are typically not drawn to joining clubs, committees, political parties, professional groups, religious communities or sporting teams. You can participate when there is a practical reason to do so, but you don’t develop a strong sense of identification with the group. Being part of something doesn’t necessarily make it part of who you are.
- You are wary of authority, institutions and group hierarchies and don’t get swept up in trends, peer pressure or groupthink.
You think for yourself rather than accepting something merely because an authority or institution says it is true. Otroverts are often distrustful of institutions and resist communal expectations. As an otrovert, you don’t change yourself to agree with others, especially if it means suppressing or compromising your own beliefs or values.
- You are curious about new or unconventional ideas.
Your distance from group norms can make it easier to consider possibilities that other people dismiss and to develop original perspectives. Instead of automatically accepting conventional wisdom, you are inclined to question assumptions and reach your own conclusions.
Health Conditions, Disorders and Neurodiversity Confused with Otroversion
Unfortunately, otroverts are often misjudged by joiners as having some kind of flaw, psychological condition or abnormality that requires correction. That is simply not the case. But in our communally oriented society, there is a lot of pressure to conform and belong, which can lead otroverts to question themselves. Here are some diagnoses that can get confused with otroversion.
- Social anxiety or social phobia
Otroverts do not necessarily have social anxiety or social phobia, and strategies to overcome social phobia will not necessarily be relevant to otroverts. Even though you might feel like an outsider, an otrovert can be socially accepted, popular and socially capable. Non-belonging is normal for an otrovert and not something that needs to be corrected.
- ADHD
The explosion of ADHD content on social media has many people questioning whether they might be living with ADHD. ADHD involves persistent difficulties with attention and/or hyperactivity and impulsivity, but online it can sometimes become a catch-all explanation for situations in which someone experiences dysregulation or feels different from others.
I have previously written about the ADHD Imposters: diagnoses and conditions that might look like ADHD but are actually something else.
Non-joiners, if they don’t understand themselves, may feel uncomfortable and out of place in groups. The social pressure to belong may have people wondering whether ADHD explains their experience when, in fact, they may be otroverts. ADHD and otroversion describe quite different things. ADHD relates to attention, impulsivity and self-regulation, whereas otroversion relates to a person’s relationship with group belonging. They should not be confused, although it is of course possible for someone to be both an otrovert and have ADHD.
- Autism
Autism is a form of neurodivergence involving differences in social communication and interaction, alongside restricted or repetitive patterns of behaviour or interests and/or sensory differences. Dr Kaminski makes it clear that otroverts are not necessarily neurodivergent; otroversion itself is not a form of neurodivergence. When otroverts are not being forced to belong, their experience of non-belonging can go unseen by joiners. They can blend in because they understand social rules and have a capacity for social engagement.
I’ve seen claims online that the combination of autism and ADHD (AuADHD) is actually otroversion, but this is not the case. AuADHD refers to the co-occurrence of autism and ADHD, whereas otroversion describes a personality style centred on a lack of the communal impulse. Again, it is possible for someone to experience both.
- Low Self-Esteem or Low Self-Confidence
Otroverts, once they accept themselves as non-joiners, may experience what could be described as high self-esteem or a good relationship with themselves. Like introversion, this is a personality trait, not something that needs to be fixed. But again, otroversion is not the same as introversion.
Introversion is characterised by a more reserved interpersonal style and a lower tendency to seek social attention and stimulation. Some introverts really enjoy belonging to groups with others as quiet participants. Otroverts may be highly social, but they don’t have the same desire to participate in, belong to or identify with groups.
An otrovert’s self-worth is independent of whether a group approves of them. Otroverts can also be willing to entertain the possibility that they themselves are wrong. That’s not the same as insecurity or low self-confidence.
It is also important to distinguish the self-reliance of an otrovert from withdrawing or learning not to depend on others because of difficult experiences in the past. Family trauma, rejection and people pleasing can shape how we relate to other people and how much we trust ourselves. The difference is that these are responses to our experiences and relationships, whereas otroversion describes a personality style in which not belonging to the group feels natural.
- Anxious Attachment
Attachment Theory is also quite popular right now. It has become a way of explaining anxiety that can essentialise anxiety as a consequence of something that occurred in childhood. Anxious attachment is characterised by a strong need for closeness and reassurance, with a heightened sensitivity to rejection, abandonment or relationship changes.
In contrast, otroversion reflects a reduced need to belong to or identify with groups, not anxiety about whether other people will accept, reject or leave you. Attachment style does not explain otroversion and should not be confused with it.
Likewise, otroversion should not be confused with avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with emotional closeness and a tendency to distance yourself or minimise your need for others, whereas an otrovert can enjoy intimacy and close relationships. The reduced need for others is specifically for group belonging, not emotional connection.
Psychiatrists and psychologists who do not recognise otroversion may diagnose patients with a condition that does not reflect who they are or explain their difference. And with the rise of ‘Dr Google’ or diagnosis through AI/ChatGPT, it’s common for people looking for answers to label themselves with the closest approximation for their sense of distress. This is why understanding otroversion can be such a relief for those who feel they don’t belong. It is not a mental health condition.
The Superpowers of an Otrovert
It might not come as a surprise to find out that those without the communal impulse are endowed with life skills that could well be described as superpowers.
First and foremost, an otrovert owns themself. They don’t need to belong to a group, a religion, a company, club or even a family to feel good about who they are. Otroverts are emotionally self-sufficient. They know that rituals, trends and fads are only valuable because a group gives them value. They have rich inner lives and are characterised by their creativity. Declining to join means they are not compromised by group obligation and, as such, tend to have high levels of empathy towards others. Disobedience equals freedom, and with it comes the ability to attend to those around them more deeply than the person who is held in by group norms.
Some otroverts are also queer. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or otherwise queer can mean growing up with an early awareness of being different from the majority. But a queer otrovert may also feel little need to belong to or identify with the LGBTQ+ community itself. They can value their sexuality or gender as part of who they are without needing membership of a community to validate it. As with other parts of their life, they may prefer to define who they are and how they live on their own terms. I regularly work with queer and LGBTQ+ identifying people.
Our culture of consumerism is rampant because most people yearn to belong with others to avoid the fundamental dissatisfaction of life. We are all going to get old, we are all going to get ill and we are all going to die. There is nothing we can do to prevent these truths from happening. Most people find refuge from the insecurity of life through joining with others in a kind of collective denial. For some, this means buying the latest fashions or ensuring they are familiar with pop culture.
Being ‘normal’ is a tool of conformity used by the group. Think about how influencers and trends work! We can see this in the current masculinity crisis, where men are increasingly exposed to rigid ideas about what a man should look like, how he should behave and what he should achieve. The pressure to measure up is another example of how belonging can require us to compare ourselves with others and conform to group expectations.
For other joiners, organised religion provides a protective defence through shared myths and rules. I have worked with many individuals recovering from religious trauma following indoctrination into a cult, doctrine or dogmatic church. These people often say they don’t know who they are once they have left the group. Their duty to themselves is to find themselves again.
Otroverts, on the other hand, find security through controlling what is within their influence and accepting what is not. They like to be in control of themselves, but they are not conformists. Otroverts might even be described as rebels. They don’t need to have the same things or be the same as others because group acceptance is not relevant to them. This is another form of freedom. Otroverts are not trapped by collective demands but are free to be themselves.
How Therapy Can Help You Embrace Being an Otrovert
- Having your uniqueness witnessed
Therapy can provide a space where your experiences, values and ways of seeing the world are genuinely witnessed, without requiring you to conform or become more like other people.
- Making sense of your difference through dialogue
Talking openly about the ways you experience yourself as different can help validate aspects of yourself you may have intuitively known about for years, while developing a clearer understanding of what those differences mean for you.
- Letting go of the idea that you need to change
If you have spent years wondering why you don’t fit in, therapy can help you distinguish between aspects of yourself that are causing you difficulty and differences that simply need to be understood and accepted.
- Separating your self-worth from belonging
Therapy can help you examine whether you have learned to measure your worth by how well you fit in, how others perceive you, or whether you receive their approval, and develop a sense of worth that is less dependent on these things.
- Recognising the strengths in your difference
Independence, original thinking, self-reliance and resistance to groupthink can easily be overlooked when the focus has always been on what makes you different. Therapy can help you identify where these qualities have served you well.
- Understanding what is otroversion and what isn’t
Not every experience of feeling different or disconnected necessarily comes from being an otrovert. Therapy can help you explore whether experiences such as anxiety, past rejection, low self-esteem, not feeling good enough or difficulties in relationships are also contributing, rather than assuming that everything is simply part of your personality style.
- Building relationships that suit you
Accepting that you don’t need a strong sense of group belonging doesn’t mean you don’t need meaningful relationships. Therapy can help you work out what kinds of connection, intimacy and friendship actually suit you, rather than pursuing the kinds of social lives you think you’re supposed to want. It can also help you recognise unhealthy relationship patterns in which you compromise your values or lose sight of your own needs in order to maintain a connection with someone else.
- Becoming more comfortable with standing apart
Rather than repeatedly questioning why you aren’t joining in, therapy can help you become more confident about choosing when you want to participate and when you are genuinely happier doing your own thing. Therapy can help give you permission to opt out.
- Developing a kinder relationship with yourself
Ultimately, therapy can help shift the internal conversation from ‘Why am I like this?’ or ‘Why can’t I be more like everyone else?’ towards curiosity, acceptance and greater confidence in living according to your own values.
Remember that therapy is the kind of one-to-one relationship in which otroverts can thrive. Accepting yourself and finding safety in belonging to yourself can come with a great sense of relief and satisfaction. There is a sense of freedom in realising that your life choices don’t require anyone else’s approval.
If you recognise yourself in this description and would like to understand yourself better, therapy can provide a space to explore what being an otrovert means for you. At Forward Therapy, I offer individual therapy and counselling that values difference rather than assuming it needs to be corrected. You can find out more about me or book an appointment to start the conversation.
I look forward to hearing from you.